The solution to the problems at Chelsea is more running. Obviously. Then there’s Ronaldo and a running commentary…
The Blues cross sale
Obviously, there is a crisis engulfing Chelsea which has somehow left this Friday night’s friendly against Udinese as the most important in Thomas Tuchel’s reign. They need new signings but they have a bloated squad so what’s the solution?
Well let’s hope Tuchel is a keen reader of The Sun website because they are here to REVEAL the answer.
‘Chelsea can save £700k a WEEK and fund transfer spree by selling six flops who played just 90 games combined last season’
Tuchel definitely hasn’t thought of that.
‘These six players made just 90 appearances COMBINED last season, so could be the ones axed to make way for more suitable stars – a clearout which would get rid of £700,000-a-week in wages.’
It’s a piece of piss, this transfer lark. Todd Boehly should bring in Dylan Terry to sort things out. Why are they paying Timo Werner, Malang Sarr, Michy Batshuayi, Ross Barkley, Kenedy and Kepa a total of £700,000 a week when they could just sell them?
Bish bash dosh.
Run, rabbit, run, rabbit
And where there’s talk of a crisis, there is always Stan Collymore, ‘speaking his mind’ in his Daily Mirror column.
‘Are Chelsea ready to be title contenders next season? At this stage, no.’
Thankfully that’s not really the ambition, Stan. They nearly didn’t exist a few months ago.
‘Chelsea have made two good signings so far in Raheem Sterling and Kalidou Koulibaly. But less than two weeks before the season starts, Chelsea have Hakim Ziyech keen on a move to Milan and in defence, Cesar Azpilicueta and Marcos Alonso are mentally on their way to Barcelona.’
And none of those players are in Chelsea’s first XI. But let’s not let that get in the way of a good old-fashioned crisis.
‘If you are not moving forward in the Premier League you are moving back fairly quickly. Losing Andreas Christensen and Antonio Rudiger, departures signalled months in advance, why not get replacements in quicker?’
Because it would have been literally illegal. They are playing catch-up because they could not operate as a normal business.
‘Does Tuchel have the cache to bring in the players they need to move forward. The kind of cache Pep Guardiola has?’
Well no, because Manchester City have won four of the last five Premier League titles. A week after condemning Arsenal for ‘only’ managing to bring in City’s cast-offs, Collymore is wondering why Chelsea cannot sign players like City. Somebody talk him through the concept of relative targets please.
‘If you had to bet who the top four would be this season, I’d say Manchester City, Liverpool, and then, instead of Chelsea comfortably third, I’d put them in that bunch close to Spurs and Man United and Arsenal.’
Yes. And so you should. But the point is that Chelsea would not realistically expect anything more so soon after massive upheaval at the club.
‘Tuchel also needs to get some good old fashioned pre-season Antonio Conte-esque work into them. Up the running power. Up the physical output. And lay off the “he’s gone, they may go” excuses – or he will be under pressure.’
Ah. That’s it. The solution to every problem for the 90s footballer. Get them to f***ing run more.
MailOnline have an important Chelsea transfer update:
‘Softening the blow, Todd? Chelsea owner Boehly enjoys dinner in Mayfair with pal James Corden, hours after missing out on yet another transfer target with £55m-rated Sevilla star Jules Kounde set to join Barca’
How could he even keep anything down?
Keep us updated, boys
‘CRISTIANO RONALDO will fly into England and demand to leave Manchester United NOW’ – The Sun website, July 25, 10pm.
‘CRISTIANO RONALDO has flown into England to demand to leave Manchester United NOW’ – The Sun website, July 26, 8.31am.
‘CRISTIANO RONALDO is officially back in England to thrash out his Manchester United future. The Portuguese legend is set to arrive at the club’s training ground this morning where he is expected to meet new boss Erik ten Hag and demand to leave NOW’ – The Sun website, July 26, 9.31am.
When does he want to leave?
The whole thing is ludicrous because whether he will be flying/has flown/has landed back in England, he cannot ‘demand’ anything when he is under contract. He can ask nicely if they will release him. He can offer to buy out the final year of his contract. But he cannot demand to leave NOW while he still has a year left on his deal and crucially, nobody actually wants to buy him.
Ronaldo did eventually arrive at the training ground. And he wasn’t the only one…
‘Sir Alex Ferguson follows Cristiano Ronaldo through the door for Man Utd crunch talks’ – Mirror website.
Second paragraph in: ‘It is not clear whether the legendary United manager will be involved in the meeting.’
Costa del click
Elsewhere in on the Mirror website, Mike Walters reports that ‘Diego Costa could line up against Manchester United on Sunday after the former Chelsea striker was sounded out by Rayo Vallecano’.
‘Diego Costa set for Manchester United meeting as Barcelona seek Memphis Depay exit’
You almost have to applaud that level of shithousery.